Joke Thread!

[miss710]

Stolen from YB....

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course,
the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!
Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much
your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the doo r they saw the damage that was done:
glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was
lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the
people that broke my window?"
"Uh.yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self."
Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,
"I' d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie sai d. "And your homes will always be safe
from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked a t his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked,
How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

[mytmouz]

[ApRiL]

How to Handle a Husband

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the
beaches in Montego Bay , Jamaica Their domestic tranquility had long
been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful &
loving couple." The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the
secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in
America explained the man, as we visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona ,
and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't
gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.
My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my
wife quietly said, "That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time
my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse
dead.

I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot
the poor animal like that, are you *%&#@$crazy! ?"

She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

And from that moment..... We have lived happily every after."

[turbocoupejim]

thats great..

[ApRiL]

ITS AN OLDIE BUT GOODIE

[miss710]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.

' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.



Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.



Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.




Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.



I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.



(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.



Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.

'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh $hit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[turbocoupejim]

WOMAN'S LOVE POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S LOVE POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me golfing, fishing, and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme, and I don't give a shit .

[ApRiL]

Got this from a lady online. A friend of hers died who had a great sense of
Humor and always used to say that when she died she wanted a parking
Meter on her grave that says 'Expired'. So her nephew got her one on eBay!
She said that her grave is right by the road so everyone can see it and many
People have stopped to get a chuckle.

There are two pictures here so scroll down.







Give us a sense of humor.
Give us the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.


The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

[turbocoupejim]

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband cam e home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

[d2racer]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the
> > young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly,
> > the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
> >
> > The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts
> > slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but
> > keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking,
> > shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking
> > woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a
> > newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the
> > commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the
> > newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and
> > makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
> >
> > Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold
> > of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at
> > first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy
> > convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman
> > deftly catches in her free hand.
> >
> > Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the
> > father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying
> > a word.
> >
> > As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
> > father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
> > 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
> > fantastic. Are you a doctor?'
> >
> > 'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney'.

[turbocoupejim]

Great weight loss plan.
>
> A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.
> The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him
a
> voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old woman dressed in nothing but a pair
of
> Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
>
> She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company.
> The sign reads , "If you can catch me, you can have me."
>
> Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
> A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
>
> The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
> happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find
he
> has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
>
> He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
>
> The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
> stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
>
> She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her
neck that
> reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
>
> Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
> This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while before he
can continue,
> so for the next four days, the same routine happens with him
> gradually getting in better and better shape
>
> Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself only to
discover
> that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
>
> He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50
> pound program.
>
> "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.
> "This is our most rigorous program."
> "Absolutely, " he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
>
> The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he
finds
> a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes
> and a sign around his neck t hat reads,
>
> "If I catch you, you're mine!"
>
He lost 63 pounds that week.

[turbocoupejim]

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As
> they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was
> spoken.
>>
>>The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would
> turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had
> Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.
>>
>>Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will
> smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse." The second barber
> turned to Bush and said, "How about you?
"Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife
> doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

[d2racer]

DATING RITUALS


WHITE WOMEN

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.


IRISH WOMEN

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.


ITALIAN WOMEN

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.


JEWISH WOMEN

First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.


CHINESE WOMEN

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.


MEXICAN WOMEN

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later ~ her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma,
her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three
kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life
in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.





The POINT?



DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

[d2racer]

A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.

I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him
where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man
arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.

They walk along t he row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,
'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady,
'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'

'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's
to hang your pants on.'

(Chalk up one for the Blonde!)

[d2racer]

Subject: Two Fleas.....


Two Fleas (from Michigan)
Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for avacation.

Last year, when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking.

The other flea asks him, "Why are you shaking so badly?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from???Michigan in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying, "That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the Grand Rapids airport bar, have a few drinks while you are there, Look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."

The flea thanks the other flea and says he will give it a try next summer

A year goes by.....when the flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.

The other flea asks, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

"Yes", says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to Grand Rapids airport bar. I had a few drinks.Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep.


.... When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."

[67camaro101]

lol

[d2racer]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' -She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.'

3. She is not EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.'

7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' - She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED'

8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'

9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.'

11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is
'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.'

12 She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL
DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.'

6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'

7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case
Of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

8 He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'

9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'

10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'

11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE'

Please use your best judgment when referring to these people, so as to make it more comfortable for the rest of us.

[ApRiL]

OLDIE BUT GOODIE

Women's Ass Size Study:

There is a new study just released by the
American Psychiatric Association about women
& how they feel about their asses.

The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him, he's a good man and they would have ! married him anyway.

[ApRiL]

WHY MEN WEAR EARINGS. lmao!!

I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, "he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

[mytmouz]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.' The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside o f room.' Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'
The worried woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'