Joke Thread!

[d2racer]

A guy took a blonde out on a date one night. Eventually, they ended up
parked at 'lovers point' where they started making out. After things
started to progress, the guy thought he might get lucky. After a few
more minutes of fooling around, he asked his date, "Do you want to get
into the back seat?"

"NO!" she answered.

Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and
skirt off and the windows are steamed. Things are getting really hot,
so he asks again, "Do you want to get into the back seat?"

"NO!" she answers again.

Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his
pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now. "Do you want
to get into the back seat NOW?" he asks again.

"NO!" she answers yet again.

Frustrated, he asks the blonde, "Well, why not?"

"Because I want to stay up here with you!"

[mytmouz]

Gotta steal this one...

[d2racer]

[ApRiL]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large
plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
Unfortunately, there is a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am there are $20 bills falling out of your bag." "Oh, really? Shoot!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there is a game a lot of the fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower
beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say,$20 or off it comes. Well, that seems only fair,"laughs the cop. "Ok, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag? "Well," says the little old lady,......"not everybody pays!"

[69rs438]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches
I have been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks," What happened?"

His wife replies," Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in
front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
"It worked! The headaches are all gone."
His wife then adds, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in
the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist
and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the
bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into
bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back, and round two was even better
than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees
him standing at the mirror and saying,

She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"

His funeral service will be held on Saturday

[ApRiL]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES - LMFAO!!!


1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.


**Daily Thought:**
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. THEY'RE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[ApRiL]

Anger Management



When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.



I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.



I found the number and dialed it.



A man answered, saying 'Hello.'



I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'



Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f*** ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.



I couldnt believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.



After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.



When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole !' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole !' It always cheered me up.



When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop.



So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'



He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.



One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.



A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.



I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'



He said, 'Yes, it is..'



I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'



He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ...



It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front.'



I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'



I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'



He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'



I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'



He said, 'Yes?'



I said, 'Don, you're an asshole !'



Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.



Then I came up with an idea.



I called Asshole #1.



He said, 'Hello.'



I said, 'You're an asshole!'



(But I didn't hang up.)



He asked, 'Are you still there?'



I said, 'Yeah.'



He screamed, 'Stop calling me!'



I said, 'Make me.'



He asked, 'Who are you?'



I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'



He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'



I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow rambler,



I have a black Beamer parked in front.'



He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.



And you had better start saying your prayers.'



I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.



Then I called Asshole No. 2.



He said, 'Hello?'



I said, 'Hello, asshole .'



He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'



I said, 'You'll what?'



He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'



I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance.



I'm coming over right now.'



Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34



Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.



Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .



I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.



NOW I feel much better.

[miss710]

OMG...That is great I need to find myself two assholes and I will be livin a stress free life!

[d2racer]

BEST 'HEADACHE' JOKE EVER


A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into
bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'



'Perfect,' her husband said.' I was just in the bathroom
powdering my penis with aspirin.



You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'

[ApRiL]

lmao tony!

[ApRiL]

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out

and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......

Are you ready for this?


Are you sure?

*
*

OK! Here it is!

*
*
*
*


A COMMONTATER

[Paulie9fingers]

.... could have been worse, she could be marrying Fidel Castro, he's a Dictator, get it, Dick-tater , oh well couldn't resist.

..... Tony, remind me to never ask you for an aspirin, that's funny .

[d2racer]

The Pregnant Blonde
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along with her.


She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'


Then she said, 'There's more'


I asked, What do you mean there's more.


She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'


Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant,
I asked her how she knew. She said....


(You're going to love this!)
*
*
*
*
*
*
'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!'

[mytmouz]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."



WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"


She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" I don't know, he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[ApRiL]

Butt Measurements

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the
man looks over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big,
I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.'


With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the
grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured
his wife's bottom.


'Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!'


The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some ad vances towards his wife who completely brushes him
off.� 'What's wrong?' he asks. ..............

She answers: 'Do you really
think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie

[d2racer]

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was "OCCUPIED".

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside.

The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom.

He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!".

Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters.

He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.

Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.

When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"

The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the 'ATR' button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"

[Gameracing]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her
mother,

'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!' ?

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded
me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No... salty!'

[d2racer]

THIS WAS VOTED BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2006
>
> For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
> His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this
> house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we
> can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out
> the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you
> going?' little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last
> night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard
> her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned
> if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.
>

[d2racer]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone
through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for
dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out
LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was "something wrong" with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm
serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little
lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!"! my w ife exclaimed. "She's having
babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,"
I announced. "We! ' re a bou t to witness the miracle
of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked

" Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife
wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I
noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle
tug.


It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to
know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove
to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying
glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
sc! ien ti fic ally.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is
not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. ..
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed,
glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just just . . . excited," my wife
offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied , relieved that we
understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, kn! owing , bu t not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that ...

I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny
little... "


She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did,
Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

[ApRiL]

HOME DEPOT FOR WOMEN

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge,
so he sent his wife Bev to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Bev saw a
beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to
finish waiting on a customer.
; ;
When Walt was finished, Bev asked "How much for that faucet?"
Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."
"My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!" Bev exclaimed. Then
she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to
buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, "Bev, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Bev replied, "No, but I will for the faucet."
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.