Joke Thread!

[ApRiL]

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights
each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife
thinks he's pushing himself too hard so, for his
birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,
'Hey, Bob! How ya doin'?' Bob's wife is
puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling
league.'

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if
he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
Bob's wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and
says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her,' said Bob, 'she's the
waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end
of the first nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws
her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and
says, 'Hi, Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big
boy?' Bob's wife, now furious , grabs her purse and
storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob
tries to desperately explain how the stripper must have
mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none
of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every four-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez, Bob,
you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Bob's funeral is on Tuesday.

[Paulie9fingers]

Why drunks get theirselves in trouble

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here.....on the swing,' replied the drunk.

[d2racer]

THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband and says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up , you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep.. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up..

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your

friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep

your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[mytmouz]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.


The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks'

[d2racer]

now THAT'S funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ApRiL]

FUNNIES ON LIFE....

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

**********
Marriage is a threering circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

**********
For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.

***********
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.

**********
Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car

**********
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

**********
Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same

[d2racer]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"



He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

[d2racer]

[Qwik Cobra]

What's in a Name

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an
attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family
name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects
the things I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.

He said, 'B. J. Titsengolf'

[ROB@STAGINGLANESPEED]

MY PRIVATE PART DIED TODAY

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes ,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this ....)

'Well,' he replied,


'Today is the viewing.'



IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU

[FoxBodyAngel]

[Qwik Cobra]

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008


New Office Policy






Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag,

we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,

so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and

therefore you do not need a raise.





Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's note statement as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.








Personal Days: (Love this one)
Each employee will receive 104 Personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.








Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.

Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place.

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.

We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.






Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.

At the end of three-minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.






Lunch Break:
* Skinny People get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal Size People get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby People get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.





Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,

aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management

[blockheadjr]

A small poor one room school in nowhere Georgia the activity of the day is a taste-testin so the teacher, Mrs. Jones calls up little Henry first and gives him a chocolate Cookie, after taking a bite Henry chews and says "Mrs. Jones, I believe that that there is a chocolate cookie"
"very good Henry" replies Mrs. Jones, "now take a seat"
next little Suzie came up and Mrs. Jones gave her a piece of birthday cake and after a few moments thought little Suzie says " I believe that there is some cake"
"very good, now take your seat" replied Mrs. Jones
finally little Leroy comes up to take his turn, Mrs. Jones gave Leroy a Hershey’s chocolate kiss so little Leroy eats it and says "it sure is good ma’am but I just can’t figure out what it is
"ill give you a hint" said Mrs. Jones, "it’s what you mom gives your dad every night before bed"
and from the back of the room little Henry yells, "spit it out Leroy it’s a piece of ass!"

[d2racer]

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, let's save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

[turbocoupejim]

LORD, THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER ...

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her
Husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
'Lord, they're finally together.'

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
'Do you think he means her first, second or third husband? '
The friend replied, ' I think he means her legs.'

[d2racer]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE


NICKNAMES

If Amanda, Kirstie and Angela go out for lunch, they will call each other Amanda, Kirstie and Angela
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[d2racer]

A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas .

Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze
statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he
decided he must have it.

He took it to the owner and asked 'How much is the bronze rat?'

"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollar restocking charge if you bring
it back,' said the owner.

The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. 'I'll take the rat; And I won't
be bringing it back.'

As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few
real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him down
the street. This was a b it dis concerting, so he began to walk a little bit
faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats be hind him gr ew to over
a hundred, and they began squealing. He started to trot towards the Harbor.
He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats numbered in the
thousands, maybe in the millions, and they were all squealing and coming
towards him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water
and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Harbor as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and were
drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. 'Aha,' said the owner, 'You're
bringing it back !'

'Actually no,' said the man. 'I came back to see how much you want for that
little bronze Mexican over there.

[mytmouz]

A very old couple that have been married forever is sitting
on their porch one night. Suddenly, the old woman reaches over
and smacks her husband knocking him off the porch and into the
bushes.

He crawls back up and asks, 'What was that for?'

She says, 'For having a little pecker.'

He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her
off the other side of the porch and into the bushes.

She crawls back and says, 'What was that for?'

He says , 'For knowing there was more than one size.'

[ApRiL]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL.... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME THAT WAS IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, "IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?"
"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,
"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

Lead me not into temptation . . . I generally manage to find it by myself

[mytmouz]