Joke Thread!

[ApRiL]

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of
many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren
and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"

The priest, getting impatient said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went
back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, "Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar."

[mytmouz]

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you".

The drunk replies, "TITS"

[mytmouz]

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had determine to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "how will I know if they are pregnant"? The other farmer replied, "if they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant; if they're in the mud, then they're not".

The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning the following week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field".

"Neither" yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn"!!!!

[d2racer]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.


Suddenly she sneezes , and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.


'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.


'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.


They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks hi m if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.


The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'


'No,' she replies. . .






Wait for it. .








It's coming. .







The suspense is killing you, isn't it?







She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'


(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)

[FoxxyFiveO]

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .

WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

[mytmouz]

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to lean how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicoper.

The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio. So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She then reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the instructor kept talking via radio and everything was still going smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crashed landed in the woods.

The instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.

"What happened"? the instructor inquired. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then"?

"Well" began the blonde, "I got cold so, I turned off the ceiling fan"

[ApRiL]

Childbirth at 65

Too good not to pass on!

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?'

[d2racer]

Only in America…

It seems that this guy had been experimenting with an unusual method of seeking autoerotic gratification - namely, by inserting a live fish into his butt. What he hadn’t counted on was the fish’s scales acting, in effect, like one of those sets of driveway spikes that allow you to drive over them one way but puncture your tyres if you try to go the other way. In his pain and panic, he dialed 911. The EMT arrived, surveyed the situation, and said, “Son, you gotta learn to chew your food better.”

[mytmouz]

In the midst of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a river.

The hot, dry fly said to himself, "Gosh...if I move down three inches, I'll feel the mist from the water and I'll be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly moves down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the riverbank thinking, "Gosh...if that fly moves down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I'll grab him."

It also happened that a hunter, further up the bank of the river was preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly moves down three inches.and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity on one riverbank, but I can tell you there's more...

A tiny mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that fly moves down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich!"

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene - and thought "Gosh...if that fly moves down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich...then I can have the mouse for lunch!"

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish lunges and swallows the fly...the bear grabs the fish...the hunter shoots the bear...the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...the cat jumps for the mouse...the mouse ducks...the cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger.'

[ApRiL]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Cardiff


'The material we put into our stomach is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining, Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'


After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

[tire fryer]

NOW that made me laugh thnx april!!

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of
many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren
and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"

The priest, getting impatient said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went
back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, "Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar."

[ApRiL]

lmao - glad you enjoyed that george!

[ApRiL]

'Circumcised'
(this is priceless!)


A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back
of the class was squirming around, scratching
his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that
he had just recently been circumcised and
he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her
what he should do about it.
He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the
back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting
at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could
stick it out till noon,
she'd come and pick me up from school.

[JerzeyGirl]

Official Announcement

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

[d2racer]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!
> >
> > Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be
> confronted by a
> > Well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
> >
> > 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If
> I could take a couple minutes
> > Of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very
> latest in high-powered
> > Vacuum cleaners.'
> >
> > 'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got
> any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded
> > To close the door.
> >
> > Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in
> the door and pushed
> > Wide open. 'Don't be too
hasty!' he
> said. 'Not until you have at least
> > Seen my demonstration.' And with that, he
> emptied a bucket of horse manure
> > Onto my hallway carpet
> >
> > 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all
> traces of this horse manure
> > From your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the
> remainder.'
> >
> > I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've
> got a good appetite,
> > Because they cut off my electricity this morning.
> What parts of broke do
> > You not understand

[ApRiL]

LITTLE RALPHy

A teacher asks h er class, 'If there are 5 birds
Sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how
Many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the
First gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I
Like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice
Cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple
Scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the
Top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off
The top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well,
I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and
Suck Ed the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer
Is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like
Your thinking.'


LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an
F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6',
Replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f...... Difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'


LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says,
'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words,
Class. Does anybody have an example of a
Multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY,
that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're
Thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of
A sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He
Yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'N ow, RALPHY, that is NOT the
Proper word to use in this situation. The correct
Word you want to use is 'urinate..' Please use the
Word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will
Allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says,
'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd
Be a TEN!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the
Teacher asked for a show of hands from those who
Could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence
Twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded
With, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress
And she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then
Called on little Michael. 'My mommy planned a
Beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher
Reluctantly called on little RALPHY. 'Last night at
The din ner table, my sister told my father that she
Was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f......
Beautiful!''


LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench, munching
On one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a
Man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you
Know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It
Will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you
Fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be
107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy
Bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own
F....... Business.

[mytmouz]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a
series of tests, the last of which had left his
bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon maki ng several false alarm trips to the
bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another
and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with
diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to
remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of
bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out
the hospital window.

A drunk was walking
by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,
and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
staring down at the sheets, a hospital security
guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who
had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked,
'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I
just beat the shit out of a ghost.'

[d2racer]

A girl from New Jersey and a girl from the west coast were seated side by side on an airplane.

The girl from New Jersey , being friendly and all said, "So, where ya from?"
The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from New Jersey , sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:
"So, where ya from.... b i t c h?"

[mytmouz]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava.

The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "Did anybody else here see my face?".

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" He shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is a silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.

"I think my wife caught a glimpse..."

[d2racer]

Man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Get in line.'