Joke Thread!

[d2racer]

Merry Christmas to all!!!



A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

__________________

[d2racer]

golden oldie!!


The World's Shortest Fairy Tale


Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marryme?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode
motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank
beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

[d2racer]

THE SOUTH . . . YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!!

TENNESSEE

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said: "You graduated from the University of Tennessee, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied: "Everything but my earrings."


ALABAMA . . .

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there, and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"


TEXAS . . .

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.


The Sheriff asked: "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"


"Yep", he replied; "that's why I'm dumpin it here . . . it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."


LOUISIANA . . .

A senior at LSU was overheard saying . . . "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."

When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

MISSISSIPPI . . .

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy: "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied: "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered: "I couldn't tell, but I got his license number."

GEORGIA . . .

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked: "Got any I.D.?"

The driver replied: "Bout whut?"


NORTH CAROLINA . . .

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied: "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked: "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded: "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither."

AND THIS FROM SOUTH CAROLINA . . .

'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North
(Actually, because it is so inexpensive compared to most places, large numbers of people are retiring to Maine, despite the weather in the winter. Guess the guy from SC ought to consider learning how to read.)

[d2racer]

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center.

The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward".

[d2racer]

Bracelet at Tiffany's

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she lets out a
fart.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a
sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes
in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional salesman in a store like
Tiffany's, and greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam.
How may we help you today?'

Feeling uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it,
you're going to shit when I tell you the price!'

[d2racer]

Things Got Ya Down?

Well Then, Consider These

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died
in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m.,
regardless of their medical condition.


This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had
something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve
the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m.
Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to
investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am .,
all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside
the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon
was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer
books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson , the part-
time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life
support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.

At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were being released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy,
with some kind of wire running from his waist towards
the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from
the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.>

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening
to his Walkman.

Are Ya O. K. Now? - No!

Two animal rights defenders were protesting
the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse
in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence,
stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage
on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender'
stamped on it.

Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was
blown to bits.

There now, Feeling Better????

[d2racer]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
‘I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there.’

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

‘Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes.’

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

‘Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.’

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.’

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, ‘That smells great. I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.’

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, ‘Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.’

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

‘Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.’

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, ‘Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here…’

[miss710]

This is a story about a husband and wife


who are waiting at a nearby bus stop with their nine children. Shortly afterwards, a blind man joins them and decides to wait for the bus as well. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded with passengers and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk to their intended destination. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is really driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

[d2racer]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
>>> asked, 'What's on TV?'
>>>
>>> I said, 'Dust.'
>>>
>>> And then the fight started...
>>>
>>> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>>> ---------
>>>
>>> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
>>> She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
>>> seconds.'
>>>
>>> I bought her a scale.
>>>
>>> And then the fight started...
>>>
>>> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>>> --------- -----
>>>
>>>
>>> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
>>> expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
>>>
>>> And then the fight started...
>>>
>>> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>>> --------- -----
>>>
>>>
>>> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
>>> Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
>>> to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
>>> wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
>>> have to go home and come back later.
>>>
>>> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
>>> my
>>> curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
>>> enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
>>>
>>> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
>>> Social Security office.
>>>
>>> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
>>> disability, too.'
>>>
>>> And then the fight started...
>>>
>>> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>>> --------- -----
>>>
>>>
>>> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
>>> kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
>>> nearby table.
>>>
>>> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
>>>
>>> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
>>> took to
>>> drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
>>> hasn't been sober since.'
>>>
>>> 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
>>> celebrating that long?'
>>>
>>> And then the fight started...
>>>
>>> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>>> --------- -----
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
>>> order first.
>>>
>>> "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
>>>
>>> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
>>>
>>> Nah, she can order for herself."
>>>
>>> And then the fight started...
>>>
>>> ------------ --------- --------- ---
>>>
>>> A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
>>> She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
>>> horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
>>> I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
>>>
>>> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
>>>
>>> And then the fight started.....
>>>
>>> ------------ --------- --------- ------
>>>
>>> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
>>>
>>> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
>>>
>>> I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
>>> cream.
>>>
>>> And then the fight started....
>>>
>>> ------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
>>>
>>> My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her
>>> not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
>>>
>>> and then the fight started.....
>>>
>>> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
>>>
>>> A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
>>>
>>> Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
>>>
>>> The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
>>> 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
>>>
>>> So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
>>> window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and
>>> to his car as fast as he could go.
>>>
>>> A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed
>>> at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
>>>
>>> The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
>>>
>>> And then the fight started.....
>>>
>>> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
>>>
>>> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
>>> the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
>>>
>>> I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
>>> torrential downpour.
>>>
>>> The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on
>>> the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
>>>
>>> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
>>> bed.
>>>
>>> I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
>>> whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
>>>
>>> My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
>>> is out fishing in that?'
>>>
>>> And then the fight started ...
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
>>>
>>> It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
>>> "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
>>>
>>> So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
>>>
>>> And that's when the fight started....
>>>
>>> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
>>>
>>> My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
>>> in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
>>>
>>> "No," she answered.
>>>
>>> I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
>>>
>>> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
>>>
>>> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
>>>
>>> And that's when the fight started....

[d2racer]

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,'Are you a little girl or a little boy?'
'I don't know,' replied the other baby giggling.
'What do you mean, you don't know?' said the first baby.
'I mean I don't know how to tell the difference,' was the reply.
'Well, I do,' said the first baby chuckling, 'I'll climb into your crib and find out.'
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
'You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy,' he said proudly.
'You're ever so clever,' cooed the baby girl, 'but how can you tell ?'
'It's quite easy really,' replied the baby boy,

,

,
SCROLL DOWN
,

,

,

,

,

,

,

,

,

,

,

,

,

,

,
'You've got pink socks and I've got blue ones.'

[mytmouz]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .
That phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded, this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence. Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'

[mytmouz]

Three dogs go to the vet. Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and
said, "So why are you here?" The brown Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down. The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the Hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquired."Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected yellow Lab said.
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," the black Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help
myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away". The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" The black Lab said... "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped

[d2racer]

now thats funny!!!!

[Paulie9fingers]

KEEPING THE MOTOR RUNNING


The marriage of an 80-year old man and a 20-year old woman was the talk of the town.

After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.


The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said,

'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?' the old man grinned and said,

'You got to keep the old motor running.'


The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.

The same nurse attended the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?' The old man grinned saying,

'You gotta keep the old motor running.'


A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again

ap pr oached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'


The nurse, still smiling, patted his back saying: Well, it's time to change the oil; this one's black.'

[Hickrocket1258]

How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to screw in a light bulb?.....

Hey guys you want to go bike riding?

[d2racer]

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!


If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why ???????

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone
believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.






May bad luck always follow you and never overtake you

[mytmouz]

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry."

The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?"

One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

[miss710]

LOL... O my that is awful!

[mytmouz]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

[mytmouz]