Joke Thread!

[ApRiL]

oldie but goodie.

A young woman in Wildwood, New Jersey was so depressed that she
decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Atlantic Ocean.

She went down to Morey's Pier and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for I'm off to
Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I will take good care of you and bring you food every day.'

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added,'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life ne w meaning.
That night, in the darkness, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and some
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain
'What are you doing here?' the Captain asked

I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' s he explained. 'I get
food and a trip to Hawaii and in return, he's screwing me.'

'He certainly is,' the Captain said. 'This is the frigin Cape May Ferry'

[blown69rat]

Guy walks in to a bar, sits down and orders a beer. He sees a horse in the back of the bar with a huge tub of money in it.

He asks the bartender "What's with the horse and the money?"

Bartender says "It costs $10. If you can make the horse laugh, you can take the tub of money home with you"

Guy finishes his beer, stands up, and walks to the horse. He wispers something in the horse's ear. The horse starts cracking up. Guys picks up the tub of money and walks out...

Few months later, same guy walks in to the same bar. Sits down, orders a beer.

He sees the same horse in the back of the bar with the tub of money. Now, he's a little confused.

He asks the bartender "What's the deal with the horse? I already made him laugh a few months ago"

Bartender say "This time it's harder, you need to make the horse cry, and then the money is yours"

Guy finishes his beer, gets up, and heads to the horse.

Couple of minutes later, the guy is walking out of the bar with the tub of money.

Bartender holds him up and asks "Wait a minute. You took the money when you had to make hm laugh. Now you made him cry. How did you do it??"

Guy says "Well, the first time, I told him my dick was bigger than his, the horse laughed at me"

Bartender says "How'd you make him cry?"

Guy says "Well, this time I showed him!"

[mytmouz]

A guy walks into a bar, has the bartender line him up with 10 shots and 10 beer chasers.
The guy starts downing shot - beer - shot - beer - shot - beer about 5 or 6 times. The bartender stops him and says, "Hey there, hold on a minute, your gonna hurt yourself like like."
The guy says "You'd drink like this too if you had what I have."
(bartender) "Wow, it must be bad. What do you have?"

(guy)... "75cents."

[ApRiL]

Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until
one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a
divorce for him.

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and a half a nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It is made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a grudge?
No, we have a carport, and not need one.

I mean, what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She is going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at a drugstore and put it on
shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says 'Polish Remover'

[ApRiL]

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom I have someone for you to meet.' Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont .

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?' She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.

' He knew he was not getting lucky that night .

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom .

She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?' He replied, 'I want to offer you my deepest condolences.'

[Qwik Cobra]

A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a case of beer and
sticks it in the shopping cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says.

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on
shopping.

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks
it in the cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies, 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE'

[ApRiL]

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,
Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.. Please come in and have a
seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be ple ased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look'

Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equip ment, I just had
to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

[d2racer]

General Cosgrove - an australian national treasure , was interviewed on the radio recently.

You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent.

[ApRiL]

HELLO OPERATOR

Actual call center conversations!

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through;
can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
traveling in Australia?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe)
'If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I
type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just
one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's
because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'

[ApRiL]

My five-year old students, are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said

"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"


And so it does...



" A f r i c a n Elephant "


Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

[ApRiL]

Japanese Fart

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she
married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big fart.

She looked up and said:
"Awe so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud"

[d2racer]

lmao i'm stealin' that one!

[ApRiL]

:lol: lmao i'm stealin' that one!

lmao - i know right!
ya know, out of the 1000's of jokes ive seen, i have NEVER seen that one. too funny!

[Qwik Cobra]

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.



'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said the pharmacist but a quarter tablet
will not give you a full erection.

'

'I am 96,' said the old man. 'I don't want an erection.

I just want
it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.

[ApRiL]

Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees It filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three Tests?"

"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:

"First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

"Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

"Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body....

'OK", he says. "Now, where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

[d2racer]

>
> >In case you ever get these two environments mixed up,
> this should make
> >things a little bit clearer.
>
> >@ PRISON
> >You spendmost of your time in a 10X10 cell
>
> >@WORK
> >You spendmost of your time in an 6X6 cubicle
>
> >@ PRISON
> >You get three meals a day, fully paid for
>
> >@WORK
> >You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it
>
> >@ PRISON
> >For good behavior, you get time off
>
> >@WORK
> >For good behavior, you get more work
>
> >@ PRISON
> >The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
>
> >@WORK
> >You must carry a security card and open all the doors
> yourself
>
> >@ PRISON
> >You can watch TV and play games
>
> >@WORK
> >You could get fired for watching TV and playing games
>
> >@ PRISON
> >You get your own toilet
>
> >@WORK
> >You have to share the toilet with people who pee on the
> seat
>
> >@ PRISON
> >They allow your family and friends to visit
>
> >@WORK
> >You aren't even supposed to speak to your family
>
> >@ PRISON
> >All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
> required
>
> >@WORK
> >You must pay all your expenses to go to work, and they
> deduct taxes from
> >your salary to pay for prisoners
>
> >@ PRISON
> >You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get
> out
>
> >@WORK
> >You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
> inside bars
>
> >@ PRISON
> >You must deal with sadistic wardens
>
> >@WORK
> >They are called 'managers'
> >THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.
> >
> >

[d2racer]

Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees It filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three Tests?"

"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:

"First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

"Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

"Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body....

'OK", he says. "Now, where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

[d2racer]

Subject: TYPICAL .............


Never assume that a man understands

A woman was in a coma.
She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
as crazy as this sounds,maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring
her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened?' they cried.
The husband said,as he climbed down off the head of the bed 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

[Paulie9fingers]

....funny Tony

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their
first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with
a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In
Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities
as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything
involving the animal body." For an example, the Professor pulled back
the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it
and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students
freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns
sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on
it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger." "Now learn to pay attention.
Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

[mytmouz]

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all
of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came
to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die,
I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket
with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with
me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her
heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money
into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife
was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was
sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and
just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket,
the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the
box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked
the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend
said,

'Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that
money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I
cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going
to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with
him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all
together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check....
If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'