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A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look
good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very
satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," she says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" the widow says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she
minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads."

EEWWWWWW!
BUT thats funny!

BROOKLYN TONY

The teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds
sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls
on Brooklyn Tony.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the
first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I
like your thinking.'

Then Brooklyn Tony says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of
ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and
sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of
the ice cream. Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well,
I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Brooklyn Tony replied, 'The correct answer
is ' the one with the
wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


Brooklyn Tony ON MATH

Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an
F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father.
The teacher asked ' How much is 2x3, I said 6,''
replies' TONY. 'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me ' How much is 3x2?''
'What's the **** difference ?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'


Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH

Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says,
'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words,
class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?'

TONY says 'Mas-t ur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, Brooklyn Tony,
that's a mouthful.'

Little TONY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking
of a blowjob.'


Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the
teacher asked for a show of hands from those who
could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded
with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful
dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then
called on little Michael.

'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned
out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!'

Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn
Tony.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my
father that she was pregnant, and he said
'Beautiful, just **** beautiful!' '

Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER

Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching
on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a
man on the bench across from him said, 'Son,
you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.
It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Brooklyn Tony replied, 'You know, my grandfather
lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy
bars at a time?'

Brooklyn Tony answered, 'No, he minded his own
**** business

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850,
158 years ago?

1. California became a state.

2. The state had no electricity.

3. The state had no money.

4. Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

5. There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California is today, except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.

Correct Change


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'


'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.


The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'


The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'


Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.


'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.


'Same,' says the ostrich.


Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'


'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would alway s be there.'


'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'


'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..


The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'


The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

The Redneck Girl


A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap, we don't need to drink with the same one twice."

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws the glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, " In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses, that we
don't need to drink with the same one twice either."

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar,
and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones

Women's Ass Size Study



There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:

1. 15% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 75% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH

His dizzy aunt:
Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes:
Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store:
Stop n Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia:
U Gogh

The cousin from Illinois:
Chica Gogh

His magician uncle:
Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin:
Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother:
Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach:
Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle:
Can' t Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt:
Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle:
Flamin Gogh

The fruit loving cousin:
Man Gogh

An au nt who taught positive thinking:
Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew:
Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco:
Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV:
Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling - there ya Gogh !

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said:
"This a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.
You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey,so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evident Hebrews. The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,"Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick'

Men's Pearls of Wisdom

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with
the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still
sleep with their wives!!

#15...

My Dear Wife ,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you,
being 54years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will
not wronglyinterpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18
yearold secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall
behome before midnight.'When the man came home late that night, he found

the following letteron the dining room table

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being54 years old. I would
like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also54 years old. As
you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you
that while you read this, I will be at theHotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistanttennis coach. He is young, virile, and like
your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an
excellent knowledge of math, youwill understand that we are in the same
situation, although with onesmall difference 18 goes into 54 a lot more times
than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, Iwill not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Christina

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

This is amazing, and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!," and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in, though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.

Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.

Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.

Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent 10 plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.

These include: Don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol, and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor-league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.

(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, "As a matter of fact, I was.")

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had 12 opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

This letter was sent to the principal's office after an elementary school had

sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady had received a new radio at
the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a
credit to all human kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift
today!




Dear Faculty and Students,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens'
luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an assisted home for the aged. All of my
family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know someone is
thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My
roommate is 95 and always had her own radio. Before I received this one, she
would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day, her
radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of little pieces. It was
awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said
f**k you.
Thank you for that opportunity.

Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese

That's not right!= Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?= Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP =; Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man= Dum Fuk

Small Horse ; =Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? =Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table!= Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift! =Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here! =Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet!= Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone! =No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week! =Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight= Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile= Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive =Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great =Fa Kin Su Pa

Don't Leave 'Em Hanging

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young

mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.

You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.

Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol.

This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy

by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers

Peter and Willy are waiting for us.''

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."