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GODS PROBLEM NOW

When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder. The little old man, who had just buried his wife, looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotopuss

Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar

Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table has no balls

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung

Q. What do you call three lesbians in bed together?
A. Ménage é ****

Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A. 100 people who don't do dick

Q. What's the difference between a Trisket and a lesbian?
A. A Trisket is a snack cracker and a lesbian is a crack snacker!

and and a little bit of

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a
Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car
break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car
in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near
the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding
from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private
parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment,
she dutifully stepped forward, quickly p ut her hand UP his shorts, and tucked
everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however,
had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far
from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About
5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."

lol

todays joke of the day.

the flyers

Lmao

tporter: I almost wet my pants that one about the clean underwear was hilarious !!!

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first
anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a
white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In
Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the
animal body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck
his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger
in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students
freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns
sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger." "Now learn to pay attention.
Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking,
but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.'
Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the ery same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead. 'He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

The #2 pencil... and little johnny
>
> The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too
> cute)!....You
> don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.
>
> Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic
> School Usually she
> slept through the class.
>
> One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was
> sleeping. 'Tell me
> Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'
>
> When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
> sitting
> behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
>
> 'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
> The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
>
> A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord
> and Savior?'
>
> But Mary didn't stir fro m her slumber Once agai n, Johnny came
> to her rescue
> and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
>
> 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again
> said,'Very
> good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
>
> The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam
> after she had
> her twenty-third child?'
>
> Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
> This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick
> that damn thing
> in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
>
> The nun fainted.

Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina

Man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disorientated. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:


GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT,

YOU SINNER

Panties on a plane


There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the

first time.



The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all but I'm gunna wear me sum hot

pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane.



"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked.



The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying

butt-up in a

conefield, dey gonna find me first."



The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe-esant orange

panties." Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.



The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be

floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."



The third lady says, "Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties....."What? No

panties?" the others asked in disbelief.



The third lady says "Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't

wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look

fo da black box first."

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."


The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."


The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"


The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad."


"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball raced towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.


Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.


"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"


The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."

Joke of the day...4/22/08

Did any one here that George Bush had to call the Pest control man, apparently this morning...?


Reports were that a Coon, and a Beaver, are trying to get into the white house...

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(Don't ya love military time?!)

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the
dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-45, pushing the pedal even
more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him,
lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,
"What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the
trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked
at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is
Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard
before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with
a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper...

this is an OLDIE but GOODIE....

INCOMING:
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
"THAT WAS MY PAGER, SHE SAID.
I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG.
THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.
WHEN SHE FINISHED,SHE EXPLAINED,
"THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE, I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH.
NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..................." WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.....I'M GETTING A FAX!!"

Never doubt a child....
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK,' she said. 'That could be an ! interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you REALLY feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?